Tag Archives: story

Aunt Rosa

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My grand-aunt Rosa lived as a lodger with a rather scary old woman. I loved aunt Rosa. When I was a child she was already well in her late 60s or early 70s, a kind old woman with platinum blond hair, red fingernails and the face of a lovely little monkey. She had an unforgettable spirit, much energy and showed great generosity. Aunt Rosa took regularly the Orient Express to Bucharest visiting her friends and relatives there and in Sibiu, and smuggling stuff out of Romania in her apricot coloured big bustier. No customs officer dared controlling her bust or underwear. She frequently provided us children with colourful rahat or Turkish delight, hazelnut or chocolate halva, pan flutes, very dry figs and dates, oriental sweets and strangely dressed dolls and wooden toys. She provided us with a mixture of oriental and occidental culture and told us tales from the past, the beginning of the 20th and the end of the 19th century. She died when she was 97, after a rich and fulfilling live on her own and with a husband ten years her junior, a first violinist in a theatre orchestra, who had perished when she was sixty.

We did not go to our grand-aunt’s place very often. She regularly came to see us and had always a present for everybody. She brought cakes made with 10 duck eggs or rich chocolate tarts that contained enough butter and cream to feed a whole village. Only twice visited we her place, a separate part of the flat belonging (or not belonging) to the sinister elderly landlord.  Aunt Rosa lived in a huge bedroom with a queen size bed displaying large embroidered cushions, handmade dolls and animal puppets. This room had to serve as bedroom, kitchen and living room; and I believe that there was a shared bathroom.

I remember that my mother remarked disapprovingly that the landlord was not really the owner of the apartment, as this was a dispossessed property that had belonged to a Jewish family before WWII. The story of dispossession and political persecution (to be precise, both the story of victim and perpetrator – a rather schizophrenic situation) also defines the history of my family. But this is another tale.

I will never forget the disgust and  the shame expressed by my mother as well as the uncomfortable feelings arising, when we visited my lovely grand-aunt in this tainted flat  that had belonged to a Jewish family, who was probably dead. If they had been fortunate, they had survived and escaped to a safe place. But nobody ever turned up to get back what had been theirs before the horrible war and still was rightfully their property.

Photo source:  http://kitchenmason.com/

Information: Orient Express in Bucharest, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7V4HwySAw4, 2014-02-10

Video: Ustinov on the Orient Express, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgpmE5MtgkY, 2014-02-10

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Autumn Thoughts II

Viewty

I wish life were better. I wish away all these people with their statistics and measurements, the ones who measure happiness-factors and one’s adaptability to a poisonous environment. Go to another universe, leave us alone, you number-crunchers, you SHOULD-people, you insane grey civil servants of a universe that is dunked into business goo and the idea of ‘everything can be measured’ and ‘we all must be an average of these measurements’ that are illusions. This defines new normality that has been called neurosis some time ago. Now it is normal to be self-centred, phobic, to sell your loved ones on the free market, sleep four hours a day and do everything to beat mortality by inhaling deadly health foods and thinking deadly limited thoughts, by starving yourself to death and believing you starve yourself to life. This is new normality. It is a cult of death masked as a cult of eternal life. So some of my past partners or lovers have become part of this, as so many middle-aged men (and women). Somebody told me this is their biological drive (fear of mortality equals lack of empathy, living for your own needs only, giving in to the urge of having as much [emotionally detached] sex as possible with as many people as possible, depersonalising the random objects of your desire  [one storyline in tabloid New Darwinism: biologically men have to spread their seed randomly, therefore they need casual sex and extramarital affairs, while women have to take care of their offspring, so they are monogamous]). Luckily, offspring grows up, so women must be allowed (in populist Neo-Darwinian and other speak) to have as many sexual encounters as they want when older. Did somebody misunderstand Evolutionary Psychology?

In a hypercapitalist society the question arises if sex is a biological necessity, a romantic storyline or consumption of goods and exchange of favours with the guidelines that all interactions have to comply with market strategies and fit into a neoliberal worldview.  Looking at political actions and social relations there seems to be a ‘biologically induced’ urge to defame or even destroy others, tribes, races, genders, species, the earth, planets and universes in the name of superiority and exploitation. Is there a biological need to cause demise (rotating around oneself [individual, ideology, interest, position and market value], the solitary planet disguised as star) and not to embrace the world (everything else and oneself)? I doubt it. One narrative is, ‘I (we) do not mind what happens with the world, as I (we) have to die anyway’, another one, ‘We don’t want anybody (offspring, other species, autonomous hybrids or machines)  to replace us as we are working on our own (physical) immortality‘. Of course, we have the choice to interact, be social, ethical (in all its fluidity), utopian without being dystopian, socially conscious and less exploitative (I am a realist), to save the planet (or at least not destroy it), be kind and attentive to others and to ourselves, etc. Meanwhile, the universe will go on and it will end without humans and humanoids observing, interfering or killing (each other).

I ask myself, is this it?

Music:

La vie en rose, Grace Jones, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYkVtz6ozJE

Is this it, No Turning Back, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRLCwW0mCUc

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In memory of my father

My father

Tomorrow is my father’s birthday. March 18th. My father is dead.

So I am sad. I am thinking about my father and that I loved him. I loved him despite all the mistakes he had made.  I loved him because he was a good father to me. He was a tender person, full of stories and poetry, full of ideas and love for technology, full of his past as a sportsperson and an officer in the infamous 3rd Reich. Soldiering had left him with a severe disability.  He was full of shattered dreams and full of the past of an empire that his family had inhabited. He had changed my nappies when I was a baby; and he got the shock of his life when my originally black hair (at birth) turned into blonde. He wanted me to be a female Mini-Him. 🙂 I was of course a me, a maximal me. And he knew this.

Music:

Johann Sebastian Bach. Toccata and Fugue in D minor. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVJD3dL4diY

Film:

Austin Powers. Dr. Evil and Mini Me song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOgzvUO94E0

Photo source: Gudrun Bielz

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La Draculina – un fotoromanzo breve

Blood, blood – I am starving …. I am losing my paleness.

For heaven’s sake this is not on. Draculina HAS TO BE PALE.

A blood transfusion from heaven. My paleness is my lifeline.

My heart must pump white ink into the system.

Thanks heaven. You have heard me, oh great ink spilling clouds.

Paleness has found its way back into life. Viva la Draculina.

Back to normal. Pale as ever. Eureka.

Music: Film music from Dracula. 1992. Directed by Francis Ford Coppola. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E-yYkVQmg8

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Other wordpress blogs by Gudrun Bielz

http://gudrunbielz.wordpress.com/
https://gudrunbielz1.wordpress.com/
http://arctificialterritory.wordpress.com/

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La commedia

SELAWIE (C’est la vie). Video installation. Still photo. Vienna. 1983. Copy-right Gudrun Bielz

SPENDING TIME ON DATING SITES CAREFULLY STAGING HER PATH THROUGH THE JUNGLE OF MALE DESIRE NOT FORGETTING ABOUT HER OWN HAS BECOME IMPOSSIBLE. HERS IS NOT HIS IS NOT HERS IS NOT HIS. FOR A MOMENT SHE FELL FOR THE DELUSION OF SOUL MATE AND WANTED SOMEBODY JUST LIKE HER FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER MIRROR IMAGE. NARCISSIST SCREAMED THE CHOIR AND SANG IN DEEP TENOR VOICES OH NARCISSIST BEWARE OF YOUR OWN IMAGE.

LOOKING FOR A GUY WITH BLUE EYES JUST LIKE HERS AND BLOND HAIR JUST LIKE HERS AND TALL LIKE HER AND TONED LIKE HER AND NOT TONED LIKE HER AND ARTISTIC LIKE HER AND NOT ARTISTIC LIKE HER AND PASSIONATE LIKE HER AND SO IMPATIENT NOT LIKE HER LOOKING FOR MR IMPROBABLE THE GUY WITH THE SMILE OF A WOLF AND THE HEART OF A LION THE BRAIN OF AN OWL AND THE EYES OF AN EAGLE THE EMBRACE OF A BEAR AND THE STEPS OF A FLAMENCO DANCER. THE IMPOSSIBLE WILL NEVER COME TRUE AS THE IMPOSSIBLE IS WHAT WOLF-DANCER-EAGLE-LION-OWL-BEAR IS LOOKING FOR AS WELL. ALL THE DREAMS ARE SHATTERED IN A MOMENT AND AS PUNISHMENT YOU ARE THROWN OFF THE PEDESTAL. YOU WILL FALL HARD AS THEY HAVE FORGOTTEN TO PUT SOME PADDING ON THE CONCRETE FLOOR CALLED LIFE.

THEY COME IN ALL FLAVOURS LIKE ICE CREAM PISTACHIO AND CHOCOLATE BACON AND LEEK VANILLA AND CINNAMON EARTH AND FIRE. SOME ARE ONE-LINERS. SOME DO NOT SPEAK AND WANT TO TOUCH YOU ONLY SOME HAVE GOT THIS NEED TO SEND 20 TEXT MESSAGES A DAY THOUGH YOU HAVEN’T EVEN MET THEM YET TELLING YOU ABOUT EVERY STEP THEY DO (THEY MIGHT BE THE LONELY ONES). SOME ARE FRIENDLY SOME ARE TREATING YOU AS THEIR ENEMY THOUGH THEY SEEM TO WANT YOU SO URGENTLY.  SOME ARE DESCRIBING THEIR SEXUAL PREFERENCES ON THEIR FIRST DATE SOME TELL YOU THAT THEY LOOK FOR A HOT WATER BOTTLE CALLED WOMAN FOR A WINTER ONLY SO THEY CAN FIND A COLD WATER BOTTLE FOR THE SUMMER. ALL OF THEM SEND YOU THEIR XXX KISSES THOUGH YOU HAVE NOT MET THEM YET AND DON’T EVEN KNOW IF YOU WANT THEIR KISSES ON YOUR SKIN. THEY ARE SO FAST WITH THEIR INTIMATE THOUGHTS AND THE PROMISE OF TACTILITY THOUGH THEY DO NOT KNOW YOU YET. YOU MIGHT BE A FEMALE BLUEBIRD KILLING OFF ALL OF THEM AND COLLECTING THEM IN THE CELLARS OF YOUR MEMORY. YOU MIGHT BE A SERIAL ADULTERESS OR AN ASEXUAL FLOWER WHO ONLY WANTS TO LEAD THEM ON THE COY MAIDEN PAR EXCELLENCE. YOU MIGHT BE A SIREN TRYING TO LURE THEM INTO THE DEEP WATERS OR AN AIRY FAIRY WHO HOPS FROM FLOWER TO FLOWER NEVER RESTING AT ANY PLACE FOR LONGER THAN A NANOSECOND. IT DOES NOT MATTER AS THEY ALREADY KISS YOU VIRTUALLY AND IMAGINE ALL THE SEXUAL DEEDS THEY WILL DO TO YOU OR YOU TO THEM. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHO YOU ARE AS LONG AS YOU ARE AVAILABLE FOR THEIR DREAMS AND DO AS THEY WISH. THEY DO NOT SEE YOU AS THEY ONLY SEE THEIR NEEDS AND WANTS. WHAT A HARD AWAKENING IT MUST BE WHEN THEY REALISE THAT LOLITA IS COUGAR OR THE NICE WOMAN FORMED AFTER THEIR WILL IS A STUBBORN FEMALE WHO HAS GOT A LIFE OF HER OWN.

ILLUSIONS ILLUSIONS KEEP US GOING LET US SLEEP DURING NIGHTS WITH DREAMS SO AWKWARD THAT WE NEED OUR HEALERS THE PSYCHOTHERAPISTS AND DOCTORS THE NURSES AND MOTHERS THE FATHERS AND BROTHERS THE HARLOTS AND THE GUYS WITH THE SEXUAL APPETITE OF RABBITS. WE NEED THEM ALL AND THEY NEVER ARE WHAT WE WANT THEM TO BE. STILL WE REFUSE TO SEE THIS AND GO AHEAD WITH OUR DREAMS OF THE ULTIMATE OBJECT OF DESIRE THAT CANNOT BE REAL OR HAVE A LIFE OF THEIR OWN AS THIS WOULD MAKE US AWARE OF OUR DELUSION. FALLING ON CONCRETE FLOORS HURTS BUT OUR BRUISES WILL HEAL. SOME OF US HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT PASSION DESIRE AND LOVE. YOU ARE MY FETISH OH DARLING MY FETISH LOVE OBJECT AND TODAY I AM GOING TO THE SHOPS AND BUY A NEW ONE.

LET US SMILE AND DANCE AND OCCASIONALLY FIND A MOMENT OF REST SOME LOVE AND SOME LUST SOME DESIRE FULFILLED OR NOTHING LIKE THIS JUST A DREAM OF BUTTERFLIES HOPPING AND HOPING TO LAND ON A FLOWER SO RICH AND SWEET THAT THEY WILL NOURISH US FOR A WHILE. FORGOTTEN HAVE WE ALREADY THAT WE SHOULD FEED EACH OTHER. FORGOTTEN HAVE WE ALREADY THAT THERE IS LIFE BEYOND THE EXCHANGE OF COMMODITIES. FORGOTTEN WE HAVE THE PARADISE OF NON-UTILISATION SO PRAGMATICALLY WE OIL THE MACHINE READY FOR REPEATING OUR OBSESSIONS DAY BY DAY IN REGULAR MANNERS WITH COMPULSIVE DETERMINATION KILLING ALL OTHER LIFE AROUND US.

WE ARE LAUGHING. WE ARE LAUGHING OUT LOUD ABOUT SO MANY THINGS. LA COMMEDIA E LA RISOLUZIONE.

Music

City of Delusion. Muse. <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcIUo9GpWck>.

Film

Some like it Hot. Billy Wilder. 1q959. Trailer. <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OhdD5n405I>.

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MENOHMEN

Wien Movimento. Video installation. Video Still. Vienna. 1986. Copy-right Gudrun Bielz

Film

‘The Skin I live in’. Pedro Almodovar. 2011. Taster. <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6ybStm57SU>.

Text

Letter to a man who tried to educate me about men without taking into account that women are part of the human species, too. WOMEN ARE NOT ACTRESSES AND NOT OBJECTS THAT CAN BE PLACED INTO A BOX, SAFELY TUCKED AWAY AND TAKEN OUT WHEN YOU GUYS WANT TO DO SO. WRONG NARRATIVE; AND I DO NOT MIND IF YOU HAVE PLAYED IT FOR CENTURIES.

Intro to GM*: So, no offense intended, but now you have got me going about this male – female stuff and cliche. Some things are true, but it is what we make of ourselves, how we face our own truth, how we cope with our desires and how we do not forget that the other is not here to be the mirror of our pathetic vanity or the object we use to forget about ourselves only to punish the object of desire for even this wish. If we go back to the hunter – prey scenario then you could justify rape, too. It is part of this narrative. And to be honest, we are cultural animals. So perhaps, it is quite nice to know that somebody knows a bit about themselves and might do more than:  I Tarzan, you Jane.

Uncensored and unrefined version. Actually, slightly refined – very, very slightly only.

SO GENERIC MALE, THIS IS A SCENARIO. I AM SENDING THIS TO YOU AS I AM GOING TO PUBLISH THIS SOMEHOW – IN A MORE REFINED FORM – BUT I WANT TO SEND THIS TO YOU FIRST AS YOUR MAIL MADE ME THINK ABOUT THIS .

If you want to love the illusion of a woman, you will always be disappointed. Perhaps, this is what you want. If you do not want reality breaking into your scenarios of soul-mates or your narrative of the man being the hunter, YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE TO BE DISAPPOINTED.

Also, I know – as I have experienced this – that when a man really falls in love, he, like a woman, does not care about formalities and if you are the chased or hunted – he just wants to be with her as she wants to be with him. It is that simple. And both will make everything possible to make this possible.

I think that men and women, who are scared of intimacy, who are scared of love, who are scared of losing control, who do not want any form of commitment, these are the men and women you are describing. These are also immature people, please forgive me.

What do you think a woman should do, if she gets the instructions come over I need you and a minute later, I need my space and GO – this is called hot and cold – it is ambiguity refined to a form of art – and it is at least very mixed messages. Don’t you think, GM that a woman, who gets these mixed messages from a hunter HAS EVERY RIGHT TO SAY F**K OFF TO THIS SCENARIO – BECAUSE THIS IS WASTING TIME AND ENERGY AND SHOWING A PERSON WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE WANTS – AND WE WOMEN ARE OFTEN VERY FORGIVING HERE – AND IT ALSO SHOWS THAT A LOT OF YOU GUYS HAVE NOT SURPASSED THE AGE OF 3. This is hard if one is in the body of an adult man. LOL. I BLAME THE MOTHERS AND THE RELATIONSHIP OF YOU GUYS TO YOUR MOTHERS. I BLAME THE FATHERS, TOO. HOW THEY WERE EITHER ABSENT OR SHOWED YOU THAT WOMEN ARE HERE TO BE CHASED AND THEY ARE … WHATEVER ….

Oh men oh men

You are describing that a man does not have to explain his change of mind (in wanting you or not wanting you, and some men want you today, don’t want you for a week and then want you again … LOL.)… We women are not pawns, we are not objects you can ask to come over, because you feel like it, we are not sweet distractions like your games of cricket of golf… There is something fundamentally wrong here. Every woman with some sanity and love for herself does not allow this. I am not talking about the beginning of whatever you can call this stuff between man and woman… At the beginning one is dancing around each other. Just tough luck, if one cannot dance, but wants to kill off the object of desire … This applies to both parties. You see, this is why it is quite good sometimes to talk to each other, honestly – to avoid all these lapses and accidents and whatever. But it is known that a lot of people are avoidant… avoidant of their own desires and truths and avoidant of communicating with the other, as the other is seen as dangerous and perhaps as somebody who disturbs one’s well built framework of how the world and people should be – be these the ideas of men being hunters or big captains of the industry and women being some fluffy nice stuff who get violently wild in bed only, but have to have their lips sealed – mouth zipped – in other areas of life. I am of course, black and white here, but intentionally so.

And going back to GM2, HE WANTED FAR TOO MUCH FAR TOO FAST.

So, why do you not tell me, GM that there are some men, who are greedy and cannot wait, and perhaps are making themselves sick because of all this greed. LOL

Quote from email by GM: I say this to any woman who ever cares to listen to me:  Hold back a little, don’t give him your devotion too son [sic]**.  Man is a Hunter, and someone that he has had to chase up hill and down dale, uncertain until the very end as to whether or not he will succeed, is more likely to be appreciated and clung to.

DOES YOUR SCENARIO ALSO APPLY TO MEN? DON’T YOU THINK THAT A MAN, AS THIS HUNTER ANIMAL HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE, SHOULD TAKE A BIT OF TIME? Don’t you think that a good hunter has love for his chased object? (However this love is coming out and about, there is respect for the chased object, and TOO MANY OF YOU HUNTERS DO NOT RESPECT THE PREY. LOL)

http://necsi.edu/projects/evolution/co-evolution/pred-prey/co-evolution_predator.html

NOW I CAN COME UP WITH SOME SCENARIOS:

  • ONE IS HUNT, GO IN FOR THE KILL AND THEN THE HUNTED OBJECT IS DEAD – GO FOR THE NEXT ONE.
  • OTHER SCENARIO IS HUNT SLOWLY, CHASE, BE A BIT SADISTIC – LET HER SUFFER A BIT, BITE A BIT OF FLESH OUT – CHASE – HUNT – SLOW DEATH.
  • OR HOW THE HYENAS DO THIS. GO FOR THE CADAVERS. HAVE FUN WITH NECROPHILIAC ACTS.

DOES NOT JELL.

WHAT HAS CHASED OBJECT WOMAN TO DO:

  • SCENARIO 1 – SHE IS DEAD. END OF STORY.
  • 2 SHE IS SLOWLY DYING …
  • 3 SHE IS DEAD AND PLEASURE FOR THE HUNTER, NOT A DANGEROUS OBJECT ANYMORE.

THEY CALL LOVEMAKING LA PETITE MORT.

WHAT ABOUT BEING CARING TO THE PREY, LISTENING AND NOT BEING SO AFRAID OF BEING EATEN UP BY THE VAGINA DENTATA  … NO, THIS SMELLS LIKE ROTTEN FISH. THE SCENARIO, NOT THE SEX.

So, it takes time to get to know each other – and this is why in most cases it is not so good to hop into bed immediately, though there are exceptions, as there are always exceptions in life. IT IS UP TO THE MAN TO LISTEN TO THIS AND PERHAPS TO RESPECT THIS – BUT IF A HUNTER IS SO ENTANGLED IN HIS HUNTING, HE ONLY SEES HIS PREY AS THE FOOD WITHOUT THE HISTORY OF THIS FOOD AND WITHOUT THE COMPLEXITY OF FOOD. AND THIS IS, WHY I SAY, YOU GUYS ARE VERY SIMPLISTIC. LOL.

IF A GUY, IN HIS HUNTING MADNESS, CANNOT ACCEPT THAT THE PREY HAS SOME DIGNITY AND SOMETHING TO SAY, TOO – THEN HE IS VERY DELUSIONAL, INDEED.

REWRITING THE NARRATIVE, I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT CLINGING (from the perspective of the male) can turn INTO HUNTING (from the perspective of the female). THIS, OF COURSE, MAKES UNCOMFORTABLE READING FOR MEN AS THEY HAVE SEEN HUNTING AS THEIR DOMAIN FOR CENTURIES. TOUGH LUCK. I SAY.

PS.  ABOUT THE ADORATION BUSINESS. MEN OR NOT. BEING ADORED FOR THE WRONG REASONS IS AN INSULT. LOL

Music

Booba. On controle la Zone. Autopsie Vol. 3. <http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=gXt7trKQBDc>.

*GM = generic male

** This would be nice food for some Freudian interpretation. Son instead of soon. (Mother and son, perhaps!).

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